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 | | | | May31Written by:Philip Cody
Sunday, May 31, 1998 6:00 PM  "When I'm drivin' in my car,
And the man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination"
.....................(Mick Jagger/Keith Richard)
Where the do I want to go today?
Hey, Microsoft! I want to go fishing today. I want to wade out into a stream and feel the cold rush of freezing water between my legs. I want to stumble across the gravel of a stream bed, fighting for balance against the relentless push of the current. I want to wrestle a five- pound rainbow trout to a standstill in the midst of a springtime wilderness. Can you take me there, Microsoft?
I didn't think so!
Yo, MS! I've got it. Florence, Italy! I want to sit down in the middle of the Ponte Vecchio with a jug of local swill and play my guitar . . . and bay at the Mediterranean moon like a drunken coyote. Can you do that for me?
"Airline tickets," you say. Not really the same thing is it?
Wait! I know . . . I know! I want to go down on Catherine Denueve today. I want to taste the . . . .
Oh Bill, you're blushing!
Win98 - Analog Style:
Windows 98 will be out soon. Word out of Redmond has it that the new Windows will educate your kids, pay your bills, de-flea your dog, find your soul-mate, make your breakfast, blow your nose, wipe your ass, and suck your dick. Haven't got a dick? Not to worry. Windows 98 will create one for you!
Just kidding! As far as I know, this new iteration of the Windows operating system will not support penile generation. No pecker paradigm. No schwantz API. If you want a dick, you're going to either have to get one installed surgically or wait for Win 2000. Sorry girls . . .
Bill and Me - February 1996:
"Mr. Gates?"
"Yes, Holly."
"It's Mister Analog on line three."
"Put him through and hold my calls."
"Analog?"
"Fuckstick?"
"Scumfuck!"
"Dicknose!"
"Numbnuts!"
" How's my favorite scumbag billionaire?"
"Fucking great! How's my favorite Luddite pain-in-the-ass?"
"How am I? I'll tell you how the fuck I am! I've spent every waking moment, since you unleashed Windows 95 on the world, tweaking one setting after another, fucking with the registry, installing drivers, de-installing Windows, re-installing Windows, reformatting my hard drive, talking to tech support, talking to my shrink . . . I've lost forty pounds, I've got hemorrhoids the size of cantaloupes and I haven't gotten laid in six months. Six mother-non- fucking months!"
"Splendid! And how's the family?"
"Family? I don't have a family, you asswipe! I don't have the time. If had I a family they, more than likely, would have left me a long time ago."
"Oh . . . sorry to hear that. Do you need a place to stay?"
Bill and Me - May 1997:
"Hullo."
"Analog?"
"Yep, that's me. Who the fuck are you?"
"It's Bill."
"Mister President?"
"No, you ball brained twit! Gates . . . Bill Gates!"
"Fuckface!!! How the hell are you?"
"I'm rich . . . I'm in control . . . and I'm in a hurry."
"In that case, I won't keep you. Bye. Have a nice day."
(click)
"Hullo."
"Analog?"
"Gates?"
"Sorry."
"Can I have that in writing?"
"Stop busting my balls."
"But Bill . . . you're rich and in control. How could I possibly bust your balls?"
"Look . . . I said I'm sorry, dammit!"
"Okay, mouse dick . . . where do YOU want to go today?"
"Very funny."
"I couldn't resist."
"Look . . . I'd like to get your take on a new feature we're thinking of adding to Windows 98."
"You want my take? Moi? Little old Luddite, me?"
"Will you just shut the fuck up and listen for a goddamned minute!"
"I'm all aural peripherals . . . shoot."
"Dual Monitors!"
"Dual monitors? That's it? You called me at two o'fucking clock in the morning to tell me about dual monitors?"
"Analog . . . just imagine, for a moment . . . you're sitting at your desk. In one monitor you're running Word to write your asinine, Luddite drivel . . . and in another monitor you're cruising your favorite porno sites on the World Wide Web. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"
"I'd need a bigger desk."
"Uh huh."
"Two graphics adapters?"
"Yup."
"Hmmmm . . ."
"What do you think?"
"Pointless."
"Excellent!"
"Stupid."
"You're so right!"
"Expensive."
"Yes! It's perfect! Analog, you've done it again."
"You know, Bill . . . there are thousands of folks out in the real world who can't get their shit to work right with one video card. How are they going to be able to deal with two?
"Fuck 'em!"
"That's what I love about you, Gates. You're all heart."
"Gee . . . thanks!"
Going to the dogs:
I've come up with an idea for a brand new operating system. It's called CHEEKS! - The Tweakable OS. Get it? CHEEKS! Tweakable . . ????
Snicker all you want but, when I'm at the top of the PC heap and all you dickwads are groveling to be first in line to kiss my ass, I'm going to remember who was naughty and who was nice.
I pitched the idea to my dog, Lance. He actually stopped chewing on his balls for five whole minutes as I was telling him about it . . .
"Hey Lance, check this out."
"Rwwlslurp!"
"Lance, stop licking your nuts and look at me."
"Aarrowwlff."
"Good doggie! I've come up with an idea for a brand new operating system, Lance. It's called CHEEKS! - The Tweakable OS. Get it? CHEEKS! Tweakable!"
"Grrrrrrrr!!"
"Try to keep an open mind. Okay?"
"Rooofff!"
"Look, it's like this . . . Microsoft has a stranglehold on the operating system market. There aren't any real options out there except Windows. Right?"
"Grawllloooof?"
"Unix? Too academic, Lance. Too much typing. Too much like DOS."
"Yap!"
"Macintosh? Get real, Lance. Not even God can save the Mac."
"Argrolff?"
"Solaris? What the fuck is that, Lance? You made that one up . . . right?"
"Yip! Garruff!"
"Okay . . . I'll get to the point. CHEEKS! is a modular operating system. What you get, out of the box, for $49.95, is the basic, system core that handles file management, input and output, the user interface and system maintenance. You can then purchase individual modules or "Tweaks" to handle your various computing needs. Each Tweak, when installed, would analyze your computer and set up only the files and drivers needed to optimize your particular system for the job you want it to do. There'd be an Office Tweak with a word processor, database, spreadsheet and PIM . . . a Communications Tweak for faxing, cruising the Web, downloading files . . . a LAN Tweak, a Gamer's Tweak, a Graphics Tweak, an Audio Tweak . . .
Best of all, boy . . . the Tweaks would be flexible! You can tweak the Tweaks, Lanceroo! Fuck with them to your heart's desire. CHEEKS! can remember all your changes so . . . if you change your mind or want to remove a Tweak completely . . . no problem! Click on an icon and poof! You're back to square one or two or three. For twenty nine bucks a module, how can you go wrong? The weenies at Microsoft are going to be shitting in their pants, old dog!
So . . . what do you think, Lance? Pretty cool, huh?
Lance?"
"z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z"
"Get the fuck out of my chair you stupid mutt!"
And Finally . . .
We all probably spend too much time in front of our computers. What the fuck! It's springtime. The sun is out. There's a nice breeze. Why not just shut the sucker down for the day, go out in the back yard, find a spot with an unobstructed view of the sky and watch some real clouds for a change? Not those ubiquitous, pixelated, unchanging, Windows wallpaper, virtual sons of bitches that monopolize our every waking moment.
Look! That one up there . . . it looks like Mickey Mouse! Over there . . . to the right. Starship Enterprise! Yo, Scotty . . . beam me the fuck up! To the south. See that? That group of cumulus, just above the horizon? It's Monica Lewinsky giving the President a blow job!!!
This is Mister Analog wishing you peace, prosperity and . . . . alt/ctrl/del!
Copyright 1998 Philip Cody
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